


This love, This Hate

by Atsurekino_Kurome



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-28
Updated: 2013-04-28
Packaged: 2017-12-09 18:42:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/776745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Atsurekino_Kurome/pseuds/Atsurekino_Kurome
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>These lies are leading me astray it's too much for me to stay,<br/>I don't wanna live this destiny it goes on endlessly,<br/>I see you so please stay strong,<br/>I'll sing you one last song and then I'm gone,<br/>I don't wanna live this destiny it goes on endlessly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This love, This Hate

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or the songs This Love, This Hate and Paradise Lost.

Harry smiled sadly as he placed the bloody razor blade on his desk. Without too much noise he walked to his bed and lowered himself down. By the time they found him it would be too late. It would all be over, and he would finally get the peace he felt that he deserved. He was so tired. And he just wanted to sleep. To close his eyes and never wake up. No one would miss him anyways. It was all his fault. Everything was his fault. His parents. Cedric. Sirius. It was all his fault. He fingered the piece of parchment that had his last words on them.

_I will burn first_   
_God I've tried, am I lost in your eyes?_

_Just let me burn, it's what I deserve._   
_God I've lied, am I lost in your eyes?_

_These lies are leading me astray it's too much for me to stay,_   
_I don't wanna live this destiny it goes on endlessly,_   
_I see you so please stay strong,_   
_I'll sing you one last song and then I'm gone,_   
_I don't wanna live this destiny it goes on endlessly._

Did someone just blast the front door open? Was someone calling his name? It didn't matter. He was almost gone. His already blurry vision was fading to black. A familiar blurry figure came into sight just as he closed his eyes.

"-arry!"

"Harry!" Green eyes opened lazily. He hadn't felt this warm and comfy in a long time. Was he lying in grass? He liked it here. So much better than his cold room or the cupboard. He smiled as he closed his eyes again.

"Harry get up."

"Mmm dun wanna…"

"Harry Pup get up." Pup? Only one person had ever called him that. Harry jumped up facing sad gray eyes.

"Sirius!" He tackled his godfather and began to sob into his shirt.

"Shhh pup it's alright. Everything will be alright." Harry just sobbed 'I'm sorry' over and over. "Harry it's not your fault. I don't blame you. No one does. None of what happened is your fault."

"But I-"

"Harry James Potter you listen to me. Could you have handled the situation better? Yes. Should you have listened to Hermione? Yes. But I would have done the same thing if I had been in your shoes. I don't blame you. I hold all the responsibility. I should have taken Bellatrix more seriously." When Harry moved to argue Sirius raised his hand. "Harry I was sick. My time spent in Azkaban caused my body to start to deteriorate. Getting to see you and Remus gave me the strength to hold on a bit longer… but pup I was wasting away. I was in pain and my suffering was ended." Sirius held on to him as he sobbed harder. Sometime later he pulled away.

"Where are Mum and Dad?" He looked around the small clearing they were in. He really thought that his parents would be here to greet him.

Sirius looked off to the side guiltily. He really did look a lot better now. No so haunted or worn. He looked like the Sirius that Harry had seen in the pictures in his photo album. "They are watching form a distance. Harry, pup, I've been sent to try and convince you to go back." At Harry's panicked expression Sirius hugged him close. "Pup, we understand that you're tired. And no we don't want you to go back because we want you to defeat Voldemort. We would love nothing more than to keep you here away from him. But Harry think of all of the people that you're leaving behind. All your friends."

"What about Ron? You were the first person to see him as someone other than the youngest Weasley boy. And Hermione? You and Ron were he first friends. The same with Neville and Luna. You were the first person to ever believe in them. And what about Ginny? You're her hero Harry. You saving her helped her see you as more than The-Boy-Who-Lived. And Arthur and Molly? You're the eighth child they wanted but couldn't have. What about Fred and George. You encouraged their dream of a joke shop when Molly didn't." Harry looked down in shame. He hadn't thought about them. He just wanted it all to end. "And what about Remus pup? You're all he has left. You're the cub the Ministry would never let him have." Harry could hear it in Sirius voice. And sure enough his godfather was crying when he looked up. "If you stay here… Remus has no reason to go on. You were the whole reason he was able to hold it together when Lily and James died. And then when I died." Harry was horrified at the thought of someone else dying because of him. "Remus was the one who found you." Sirius pointed to the scene playing out behind him. It was like a silent movie… they couldn't hear what was being said but could see everything as it played out.

Remus was sitting in Grimmauld Place in the Order meeting. He wasn't really paying attention to what was being said but staring off into space. Tonks would randomly glance over at him in worry. Suddenly he tensed and sat up straight and looked around. Everyone stopped talking and looked at him curiously. Before anyone could ask what was wrong, he was running out of the room and the townhouse. Tonks didn't bother to call after him, she just followed. Just before he apparated, she grabbed his hand and was pulled along with him, leaving everyone else behind. When they appeared in front of Number 4 Privet Drive Remus blasted the door open ignoring the protests of the Order guards and the Dursley's. Harry paused and looked down; so the door had been blasted open… it had been Remus. When he looked back up Remus was trying to staunch the blood and shake him awake. Tonks was on the floor where her legs had given out, shaking her head furiously; the piece of bloody parchment in her hands. His Aunt Petunia had her hand over her chest and she was screaming. His Uncle Vernon and Dudley were in the background shocked. Suddenly the scene ended and other one started.

"Your death will affect more people than you think pup. You have touched more people's lives and have more friends than you know." People were gathered outside on the Quidditch pitch at Hogwarts. It was his memorial service… the Headmaster was speaking. His eyes held no twinkle and he looked older than Harry had ever seen. Professor Flitwick was trying to comfort a crying Professor McGonagall. He never knew that his Head of House cared so much. In the front row, Neville and Ron were both holding on to Hermione and Luna, who were sobbing. Ron was pale and shaking. Harry could recognize the tale tell signs of anger and regret. Neville looked as if he couldn't decide if he wanted to stay strong for the girl in his arms, or lose it like everyone else. Ginny was sitting between Percy and Charlie sobbing into her hands. Percy looked shocked like he had never expected this. Charlie held his youngest sibling eyes glistening with unshed tears. Bill was comforting Fleur and Gabriella, holding himself together for his fiancé and his future sister-in-law. The twins sat in stony silence not crying or saying anything. They were neither crying nor laughing like they normally were when Harry saw them. In fact they looked as if they would never laugh again. Mr. Weasley held a crying Mrs. Weasley tears shining in his eyes. What made his heart hurt the most though was Remus. Like the twins he sat in stony silence. His eyes were blank. There were no tears. And he held a sobbing Tonks loosely. Susan Bones and Hannah Abbott were holding on to each other. Katie, Angelina, and Alicia were all crying. Padma sat crying with Parvati and Lavender. Collin and his brother Denis looked lost. Cho was sobbing into Marietta's shoulder. Justin. Ernie. Dean. Seamus. Zacharias. Oliver. Everyone from the D.A. What caught his attention next though was something he thought that he would never see. Draco Malfoy sat in the back, looking lost and alone, and as if his world had just come crashing down. "You might have been his rival Harry, but you were a constant in his life. He really and truly wanted to be your friend." It was then that he noticed that everyone, EVERYONE, was wearing red and gold. "This hasn't happened yet Harry… it's still several days away. But if you decide to stay… not even two days after the service Remus will be here with us." Harry shook his head. He didn't want that! This wasn't what he had wanted! "Look Harry." Harry looked up at another scene. It was in the dungeons. Snape sat in his office his hands covering his face. For the first time Harry could hear what was being said.

"I failed. I failed. Lily, forgive me I failed."

"He might not act like it… and possibly never will… but he did care Harry. As you know he was best friends with your Mum… you were the last piece of Lily that he had."

The scene disappeared and Sirius faced him. "We'll understand if you decide to stay Harry. We wish you wouldn't… but we understand."

"But I… I don't…I can't…" Harry didn't know what to do.

"Harry. Bambi. The Creator Himself told me to tell you that everything will get better. It will get worse before it gets better… but it will get better. You just have to hang on. We're all proud of you Harry. No matter what your choice is we will always be proud of you." Harry whipped around coming face to face with a hazel eyed version of himself. His Mum stood next to him smiling.

"Dad? Mum?"

"Oh Harry." His Mum held her arms open and he ran into them. "Sweetheart you've been so brave. My sweet brave boy."

"If… if I stay… what… what about…"

"Harry. I won't lie. He'll win. Don't let that be the deciding factor in your decision. Rebirth is possible. It will take years… your soul will need to heal from all of its scars. But you will be reborn and you will face him." Lily ran her hands through his hair and hugged him close.

"So the prophecy… it's true…"

"Yes Bambi it is."

Harry held on to his parents tighter. For several seconds he just held them tighter. "I'll… I'll go back."

"Harry…" He was looking at another scene that was playing. Remus was sitting beside his hospital bed holding his hand.

"I'll go back."

* * *

Remus sat praying to every deity out there. He didn't think he could take another death. And certainly not the death of Harry. Not his cub. Harry was the only thing that he had left. Harry was the whole reason he hadn't let go when Lily and James had died. And the whole reason that he had held it together after Sirius fell through the Veil. He should have checked in on Harry more. He should have pushed harder for him to stay at Grimmauld Place. He should have...

"Ugh...Rem's?" Remus' head jerked up in surprise. Bleary green eyes looked back at him.

"Oh Harry! Never do that again!" Remus pulled him into a giant hug. "I couldn't take it if I lost you too."

"'M sorry. I just... I was so tired..."

"I know Harry. I know." Harry wrapped his arms around Remus returning the hug.

"Mum, Dad, and Sirius say hi."


End file.
